This last week and half has been up and down. Aside from helping care for a previous partner’s daughter, I hadn’t had to be a carer for anyone. In saying that though, I could see from watching carers, Mum in particular, how much hard work it was. That was the reason I made the offer many years ago to look after Dad and insisted she take a bit of time off and relax. It’s only been some years later that she finally took me up on my offer.
It’s been lovely hearing Mum’s excitement to catch up with her sister, who’s from Canada, in Singapore and board a cruise ship together.
My partner, M, and I drove from Melbourne to Canberra on 24/11, and then at 03:30 on the morning of 26/11, we drove Mum to Sydney airport.
Google Maps shows that it’s a 6.44 hour drive from Melbourne to Canberra but when you factor in toilet and food stops, it’s actually a 7.5 hour trip.
We made sure she checked in and met the people she was traveling to Singapore with. We walked her as far as we were permitted to at the departure gate and wished her happy travels and then drove back to Canberra in time for me to prepare lunch for Dad.
Then on 11/12 we’ll be picking Mum up from Sydney airport with a stop off at my Uncle’s house on the way home. The day after that, M and I drive back home to Melbourne.
Six hour round trip from Canberra to Sydney Airport, not including the stopover in Punchbowl.
Initially, I worried that Mum would get seasick on the cruise and packed her with seasick tablets and chewable ginger lollies, but she called a couple of times within a few days from the ship to ask how everything was going. I was so relieved and pleased to hear that she was enjoying herself. Eating a lot. 🙂
Back home, the first few days were especially challenging. Dad missed Mum terribly but didn’t want to talk about it. M and I could see that he was frightened, confused and sad. Thank goodness it only lasted a few days. I think it helped that we’d spoken to her. The thought that something might happen to Mum is a huge threat to Dad. Affections aside, he depends on her completely.
It’s really nice that Dad trusts me enough to look after him, but I worried that I wouldn’t be able to do a proper job of it, mostly because it would mean that Dad wouldn’t agree to Mum taking another break. I’ve tried to ensure that as much routine and consistency has been maintained as possible. Routine? Yes. Consistency? Well, even Mum told me she had difficulty with this in terms of his diet so I don’t feel so bad.
I love Dad and try my best to look out for him whenever I visit, and even from Melbourne when possible. If I’m being honest though, caring for him has really put a strain on our relationship. Most notably from my side because I try and keep as much of a normal and consistent façade for Dad as possible so as not to cause him distress. I realise that that’s not a healthy stress management strategy. My approach would usually be to have a civilised talk with the person about the issue. Failing that, I’d remove myself to get some space, which I think is what most people tend to do because it’s easier. In this case, I can do neither but my consolation is that it’s only for a short period of time.
The physical side of things (cleaning and tidying) are relatively easy in comparison to the mental and emotional challenges. The latter two are the most difficult for me at the moment. While I try to resist not letting Dad’s issues become my issues, he’s my Dad and watching and listening to his melancholy is just unbearable. It weighs my heart down like an enormous weight pushing me down to ocean floor. It hurts too much to watch anyone suffer, let alone someone you love in pain. Yet to try raise him out of it is even more emotionally and mentally draining, especially when it doesn’t work. I try to remind myself how difficult and scary it can be being elderly, and with a disability on top of that. Some days are better than others, and as I write this, I look forward to one of the better days.
What this experience has reinforced for me is how important it is to take time out to look after me as well. It’s so easy to forget because I want to make sure he’s comfortable, but it only ends up putting pressure on myself. M has been so wonderful with Dad, which has allowed me to do things for myself, like doing my nails and catching up with a school friend. A much needed release, and relief.
I take my hat off to my Mum. She more than deserves her holiday and I would come back and do this again so that she could take another holiday next year. I hope Dad’s okay with it, and I hope it’s something she also feels comfortable with.
Harbugs 